


My Heart Pumps Kool-Aid

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, F/M, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Other, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Trans Male Character, Trans Pregnancy, Unsafe Sex, gotta tag everything, hi, huhhhh, i dont wanna spoil it but like, i guess, idk - Freeform, like i cant look you in the eyes and say i wasnt venting, technically, vent fic, we out here......
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 19:33:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17209628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: “You better be here to tell me that you started testosterone yesterday.”“Nope.”





	My Heart Pumps Kool-Aid

**Author's Note:**

> technically i could include this within the canon of the basement since brendon uries basement makes an appearance but its like... not entirely relevant
> 
> hhuh this is probably gonna be my last fic of 2018  
> which is wild  
> ive. done a lot of shit this year. wow  
> also im getting a tattoo in a week so like, we out here

The first time Josh comes out of the closet, he’s fourteen and he’s crying and saying, “I think I’m a boy,” to his girlfriend.

She looks taken aback. She looks unhappy. She looks disappointed.

She says, “You’re not a boy.”

Josh always figured that if she had a negative reaction, she would’ve yelled at him and slapped him and scared him. Her reaction doesn’t immediately seem negative or harmful and Josh is too young to know the difference.

She says, “You’re confused.” She’s a few years older than him and Josh trusts her.

Josh frowns. He doesn’t get it. “How am I confused?” This is the first time he’s felt even a little at peace with himself. He doesn’t get it.

They have a long talk.

She has a way of phrasing things that just don’t set off any red flags in Josh’s head.

He loves her and trusts her.

She tells him that he’s just _confused_ and that it might be hard for him to hear, but that he has some internalized misogyny to work through and Josh feels kind of like crying because he doesn’t want to spend more time working on finding his identity, but he doesn’t want her to hate him or to break up with him, so he nods along and promises to work on it.

*

Josh meets Tyler a few months after he breaks up with his girlfriend.

Tyler sure does leave an impression, Josh thinks.

He looks like a deer in the headlights when Josh walks into the Starbucks he works in, and before he can take Josh’s order, he says, “You’re beautiful.”

Josh can’t help that he laughs his ass off at that. He runs his fingers through his hair, which he hasn’t gotten around to cutting yet, and says, “Thanks man. You’re not too bad yourself.”

Josh gives him his dead name, since there’s no way in hell he’s going to pass right now, and Tyler writes his number down under the name on the cup.

*

_“You need to learn to love yourself,” she tells him, as she guides him onto her lap._

_Her fingernails on his spine feel like spiders on his skin and her mouth sucking hickeys into his skin feels hot, and not in a good way._

_Josh feels bile in his throat and feels like crying when she pushes him onto his back in her bed._

_He feels panic bubbling up in his chest and he wants to tell her to stop, to not touch him, but she fingers him and eats him out and he has a feeling that if he asked her to stop, she wouldn’t._

*

Josh texts Tyler a few days later.

*

“ _Hey it’s the girl from Starbucks. You called me beautiful. I think you’re super cute but I don’t want to risk putting myself through a bunch of bullshit, so i want to get this out of the way. I’m trans and if you aren’t okay with it off the bat (or at least willing to learn) then I don’t want to pursue anything with you. Sorry if that seems a little too harsh or tough, but it’s where I stand. My name is Josh and I like aliens.”_

*

Josh gets a response a few weeks later. He’s sitting on Jesse’s couch with his hair tucked into a beanie, drinking a smoothie that his friend had made for him, and he’s in tears by the time he finishes reading Tyler’s texts. It leaves Jesse very concerned, to say the least.

*

_“Hey, I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I was coming up with something to say, and had to ask a few trans friends for help._

_Basically, I’m sorry if I misgendered you at all, or made you uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intention and I didn’t mean to assume your gender or anything about you. (I mean this in a genuine way—not in that dickhead cishet way.)_

_I’m cis and I’ve never been with any trans men or women before, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a dumbass and I can’t promise that I won’t make an ass out of myself at some point, whether it be with trans stuff or me not knowing any better or what, but if you’re still interested… Well, I’d love to take you out to dinner, or hang out, or whatever._

_You seem very sweet and the last thing I want to do is offend you or hurt your feelings. If we vibe then we vibe. Gender doesn’t factor into it for me._

_My name is Tyler and I like music. :)”_

*

_Josh asks her to stop the next time they do anything together. She has her hand in his underwear and her fingers around his clit and her face on his neck and he grabs her wrist, and asks, “Can we stop? I don’t—I don’t feel good.” He could throw up._

_She looks at him, confused. “Why don’t you feel good?”_

“ _I feel uncomfortable.”_

_Somehow, she takes that and turns it into an excuse for her to teach Josh how to love his body, to love himself. That’s what she tells him, at least. He doesn’t think to question it, mumbling, “You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. Keep going. I’ll try.”_

_He gets off and she pulls on his hair as she coaches him through getting her off as well._

_The shower Josh takes afterwards leaves him with patches of dry skin and flared up eczema on his body._

*

Josh types up a response to Tyler and Jesse gives him a pep talk while he does it.

*

“ _Not to be weird, but that made me cry. In a good way. Thank you._

_I wasn_ _’t expecting any of that, but, if you want, we can hang out. I’d like to get to know you a little bit before agreeing to a date or anything romantic.”_

*

Tyler’s response comes in the evening when Josh is curled up on his couch, crocheting himself a scarf.

*

“ _Oh no, I’m sorry. :( I know you said it was a good cry but I still feel bad._

_I_ _’d love to hang out with you, Josh! If you’re free, we can hang out now? :) I don’t have to work again until tomorrow afternoon.”_

*

Josh eyeballs his car keys, which are on his coffee table.

*

“ _Address?”_

“ _I still live with my dad (undergrad, boo) so one of he or my little brother might answer the door, but here you go—”_

*

Tyler looks awestruck when Josh shows up at his house. “I apologize if I’m being weird, man, but your face is so _nice._ _”_

Josh pats his own cheeks and scrunches his face up. “Thanks for the compliment, Tyler.”

“Anytime, bro.”

Josh hasn’t ever had someone use ‘bro talk’ with him, as he’d like to call it, but it makes him smile shyly.

“Um, come in, come in.” Tyler gestures him inside, doing a little curtsey as he does so, before leading the way to a staircase, and explaining, “I occupy the basement for the time being,” as he’s going down the stairs.

Josh follows him, keeping his fingers light on the stair rail, and he doesn’t know what he was expecting out of the basement, but it’s a pretty cool basement. It reminds Josh of Jordan’s side of the basement in his own family home; he doesn’t hate it. “Sweet digs.”

Tyler grins at him. “Thanks. I take pride in my basement.”

“I can tell. My, ah, brother and I shared a basement when I lived at home. This reminds me of that.”

“No shit? What’s your brother like?” Tyler takes a seat on the couch in the living area of the basement, and picks up a remote off of the coffee table in front of him.

“He’s about like every other thirteen year old I’ve ever met. He’s nice, though. Some thirteen year olds can be real assholes.” Josh picks at a loose thread on his sweatshirt and shifts back and forth on his feet. He doesn’t want to sit or do anything unless Tyler gives him permission. “Can I—can I sit?”

“Yeah, of course.” Tyler pats the couch cushion next to him, and Josh sits on the one on the far end of the couch.

Hanging out with Tyler is nice.

He makes a lot of bad jokes and it seems like his mission is to make Josh laugh as much as possible, and Josh finds him charming. He also finds him hilarious, of course.

*

Josh invites Tyler over when he shaves his head.

They stand in his bathroom on a couple of towels, and Tyler braids Josh’s hair for him. “What are you going to do with all your hair?”

“Donate it,” is Josh’s immediate answer. “There’s people who could use it more than I can.” Josh hands him a pair of haircutting scissors, and asks him to cut the braid off for him.

Tyler doesn’t hesitate. “I like your long hair, but I think you’re going to look handsome with a buzz cut.” He smiles at Josh in the mirror and he can feel his eyes stinging a little bit.

“My ex would’ve had a fit,” he says.

Tyler looks kind of shocked. He sets the braid down onto the counter top, and takes Josh’s clippers from him when they’re passed back. Josh hands him a half inch guard, and Tyler slips it on with ease. “Why would your ex have had a fit?”

“She just…” Josh runs his fingers through his hair—what’s left of it, anyways. “I haven’t done more than get split ends trimmed off since I was fourteen. I turn twenty in a few months. She, like… She hated that I’m trans, to put it simply…?”

Tyler makes a face, and as he turns the clippers on, he asks, “Why’d you stay with her, then? She sounds like a bitch.”

“I thought I loved her and I thought she was helping me. I don’t know how forcing me back into the closet was helping me, but…” He shrugs, and tilts his head down as Tyler starts running the clippers over it. “She sucked.”

“Sounds like it. Jesus.” Tyler shakes his head. “That’s fucked. Do you want to talk about it at all…?”

“I don’t know what I’d say.” Josh closes his eyes. Tylers fingers feel nice on his scalp. His touch is gentle and comforting. Tyler doesn’t feel like spiders. “I haven’t had time to process anything. Have you ever been with someone so awful, and once you’re out of that, you kind of just feel like someone dropped you off on the side of the road…?”

“When my parents got divorced, and my mom left, it felt like that. Suddenly our house was calm, our house was a _home_ again, and as more time went on, I realized just how traumatic everything was with her.”

“That’s what I’m going through.” Josh sniffs and lets out a breath. “I can’t afford therapy, or I’d do that, so I’m just… trying to learn how to deal with it on my own. It sucks. Every day I’ll think about something that somehow ties back into my relationship with her, and I just realized how fucked it was. She told me that my gender dysphoria was internalized misogyny.”

“That’s bullshit.” Tyler tilts Josh’s head up so that he has an easier time getting at a certain part of it. “I’m not trans, but those two things sound nothing alike.”

“If anything, it was internalized transphobia.”

“I’ve dealt with the whole internalized homophobia thing. My mom almost beat the shit out of me when she found out I had a boyfriend in high school, and it’s like… I already hated myself for it, and then she hated me for it.”

“Me and my girlfriend with me being trans, basically. I told her I was trans _six years ago_ and… A lot of shit happened. She didn’t hurt me physically, at first, and, fuck, she didn’t even seem threatening and it didn’t even raise any red flags. This whole situation with her has been so… Awful. I’m only nineteen but I feel like I’m seventy.”

“Trauma ages you ridiculously,” Tyler tells him. Tyler also tells him to turn around. “I feel many moons older than I actually am on a daily basis.”

“Me, every single day, man.” Josh tilts his head forward again when Tyler asks him to. “I’m going to look like a butch lesbian with a buzz cut.”

“I think a buzz cut will suit you. You already look awesome.”

Josh hums quietly, and a few minutes later, Tyler declares that he’s done. Before Josh turns around to look at himself in the mirror, he asks Tyler what he thinks.

Tyler’s tone is soft and Josh can tell that he means it when he says, “You look handsome, Josh.”

He turns around, and manages to hold himself back from crying when he sees himself. “I look more like me than I have in a long time.”

He turns back around and looks up at Tyler, before asking, “Can I kiss you?”

Tyler tells him to go for it.

So Josh does.

It starts with one kiss, and it escalates.

Tyler kisses him like he means it, like he’s a lover that he hasn’t seen in awhile, like he's just gotten home from a long trip, and Josh loves it. He loves it and he swears he’s never been kissed like this before. Tyler gives it everything he has, and Josh is standing up on the tips of his toes to kiss him, feeling like he might float away if he stops.

Josh feels his heart in his throat when he asks, “Do you want to fuck me?”

Tyler nods, because of course he does.

They aren’t the safest about it, Josh knows that, but Tyler says he’s clean and Josh trusts him as he’s handing a bottle of lube, pulled out of one of the drawers in the bathroom, to him.

Tyler’s long and a little thick and Josh hasn’t ever came from penetration alone, but Tyler grips his hips tight and mutters praise into his ear and fucks him _hard and fast_ and Josh swears he’s caught a glimpse of paradise as he’s clenching around him and moaning quiet and high pitched. Tyler comes inside of him and Josh would be lying if he said he didn’t like the feeling of it.

Afterward, they end up taking a nap on Josh’s couch in each other’s arms.

*

“I’m glad you broke up with that bitch, man.” Brendon’s words are muffled, slightly, since he’s holding a cigarette between his teeth.

“She hated when I would talk to you,” Josh tells him as he’s picking a cigarette out of the pack he’d been handed. “It’s just, you’re so sure of yourself, and you don’t—you don’t have half the hangups I do, or did, about being trans. Not that you don’t have them, because I know you do, but you’re just, like… So unapologetic. Thanks again, by the way, for, uh… helping me with it. I never said thanks.”

Brendon waves his hand before holding his lighter up to the end of Josh’s cigarette. “If you ever find yourself in another shitty relationship, I’ll be here for you, because _fuck_ that. She was fucking nuts and it’s a miracle I didn’t beat the shit out of her for everything she’s done to you. I’m not on T yet, so I can say that.”

Josh can’t help but to laugh. “Shut up. I met someone, by the way.”

“Oh?” He looks interested.

Josh waits to respond until after Brendon shouts something back to his mom after she asks him a question from somewhere within his house.

“Yeah. He’s nice. He, uh… I don’t know. I’m afraid to trust him, after all the shit I went through with her, but… He’s really sweet. Also, he’s, like, _hung,_ and knows how to use it.” Josh has a smug little smile on his face. “We’re not together, but we, uh, fucked. Once. It was nice.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah, man.”

“After, uh… What happened to me, I couldn’t do anything for a few years without having an anxiety attack, so, good on you.”

Josh sniffs a bit and flicks ashes onto the concrete below his feet. “I still haven’t been able to process it. I dunno. I don’t know if I’m going to have some major reaction to it… I mean, five years of being raped repeatedly is bound to have its effects, but at the moment it’s like… It happened, and Tyler knows how to fuck me better than she ever did. So. Whatever.”

“I still think you should try talking to someone professional about it,” Brendon mumbles. “I mean, it’s not like I went and got therapy, but… I dunno. If you ever get into a bad spot, hit me up. I’ll help.”

“I will, man.”

*

Josh feels like he jinxed himself.

He’s leaning against the counter in his kitchen, waiting for pizza rolls in the oven to finish cooking, and Tyler has his hand between his legs. It’s the fourth time they’ve messed around, and it’s the first time things go wrong.

Josh doesn’t say anything at first.

He feels like he’s stuck in a vat of corn syrup.

He feels sticky and gross and overwhelmed and like he’s going to throw up.

He goes along with it, though, and his breath hitches, in a bad way, when Tyler’s mouth latches onto his neck.

His chest tightens up in the way it does when he’s about to have an anxiety attack, and his hands cover his face when he mumbles out, “Please stop.”

He expects Tyler to shush him and to keep going, because that’s what always happens to him, but his hand slips out of Josh’s pants, and he’s surprised when Tyler asks, “Are you alright?” in that stupid gentle tone of his. He’s always so concerned about him.

Josh doesn’t move from his spot, doesn’t take his hands from his face, even when he starts crying and his tears start irritating the skin on his cheeks. He apologizes. “I’m sorry. Don’t be mad. _Please_ don’t be mad.”

“Whoa, whoa, Josh, it’s alright. Can I touch you…?”

Josh nods a tiny bit, and Tyler tugs him into a hug.

“I don’t—I don’t know if it needs to be said, but you’re allowed to say ‘no,’ to me. You don’t have to apologize for saying no.” Tyler runs his fingers through Josh’s hair, which has grown out about an inch since he shaved it. His fingers still feel comforting and Josh removes his hands from his face so he can wrap his arms around Tyler’s waist.

He manages to mentally talk himself down and manages to stave off his anxiety attack. Having a cute guy hugging him helps, too.

*

_There’s a point where Josh shuts off. He shuts off and doesn’t deal with it. She’s pulling his hair and she has her hand in his pants and his face shoved into the counter and he lets it happen because he doesn’t have a choice._

_She takes a shower afterward, and Josh throws up in the sink._

*

They talk over pizza rolls and a glass of water.

“I’m, uh, sorry for my little meltdown earlier.” Josh nibbles on the corner of a pizza roll.

“It’s okay, Josh. I didn’t—I wasn’t doing anything, was I?”

“Um, no. I… It’s a long story.”

“Do you wanna talk about it…? Talking helps me. You don’t have to. It’s up to you.”

“You know how I said I had a shitty girlfriend?”

Tyler nods and blows on a pizza roll to cool it off.

“Part of her whole deal with me was… She would force me to do stuff. It’s gross. She would—she’d shove her hand in my pants pretty much any chance she got, something about how it was supposed to teach me to love my female body. The kitchen was one of her favorite spots to do it. She wouldn’t stop if I asked her to, either. She’d get mad at me if I asked her to stop.” Josh swallows bile. “I’ve never had any issues with sex outside of her, but I just—I was feeling panicky… Sorry for the life story.”

“It’s cool. I offered to listen, so that’s what I’m doing.” Tyler shrugs. “I just, uh—I want you to know, when I _touch_ you like that, I do it because I want you to feel good. None of that bullshit about trying to shove you back into the closet. Sex shouldn’t be scary or forced for either party involved.”

“It was foolish of me to assume I wouldn’t have any issues after being raped over and over for five years,” he grumbles before tearing off a bite of pizza roll. “It’s cool if you wanna dip, and not deal with this.”

“I think I’ll stick around, man. There’s more to life than sex.”

*

Josh isn’t surprised that Brendon likes Tyler.

They’re in Brendon’s basement, celebrating what he calls his ‘second birthday.’ (He started testosterone. Obviously Josh is going to be there to support him.) Tyler comes along with him, and Josh doesn’t think before sitting on Tyler’s lap.

Tyler holds onto him and Josh plays with the sleeve of Tyler’s sweatshirt and as Brendon’s popping the cork on a bottle of champagne, he says, “You two are fucking _cute._ He has my seal of approval, Josh.”

Josh laughs, but he’s glad. It’s always nice when a romantic partner gets the approval of a best friend.

*

Josh manages to know Tyler for a solid three months before he meets his dad.

Josh has a thing about meeting parents—he doesn’t like it—and there’s one time he stops by Tyler’s house to pick him up, since they have plans to go see the new Marvel movie together. He’s standing on the porch smoking a cigarette and waiting for Tyler to finish getting ready, shivering since it’s a little cold out, when the door opens behind him.

He looks up with a smile on his face, expecting it to be Tyler, but’s absolutely _not_ Tyler.

Josh remembers Tyler telling him something about being half Lebanese and as he looks Tyler’s dad up and down, he can see it. Josh’s first reaction is to drawl out an, “Um,” nice and dumb.

The man introduces himself and gives Josh a firm handshake, one that he tries his best to return. (He still hasn’t perfected his handshake.) “Are you the boy my son’s been seeing?”

Josh’s cheeks burn red; he didn’t think that Tyler would’ve talked about him. “Uh. I think that’d be me, yeah.”

They make small talk, and Tyler’s dad informs him that Tyler, apparently, is very fond of him, and Josh absolutely doesn’t hesitate to tease Tyler about it for the rest of the night.

*

“ _Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”_ Tyler asks, over the phone, the day before Josh’s 20th birthday. _“It’s just, I’ve never dated an older guy before.”_

“I’m six months older than you.” Josh laughs a little bit. “I mean, yeah. I’d be honored, actually.”

“ _Sick. Sweet. Awesome. Um. Cool. Yeah. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t—I wasn’t expecting you to say yes.”_

“Why wouldn’t I have said yes?”

“ _I’m, like, kind of a massive dumbass, bro.”_

“Foolishness is charming.”

“ _I’m smiling right now. Anyways—are you doing anything tomorrow?”_

“Uh, no, I don’t think so. I’m going to go over to my parents’ for dinner, but that won’t be until the evening. Though… My brother wanted to hang out with me. Something about missing his older bro. I told him, by the way. He’s cool about it.”

“ _Aw, that’s nice. If you’re busy, it’s cool, but I was wondering if we could hang out too…? I kind of got you a few birthday presents, and I wanted to give them to you in person. I mean, I don’t know how else I could give them to you, but still. Also. I miss you.”_

“I saw you yesterday, dude.”

“ _Well, yeah, but now we’re, like, officially boyfriends, and I’m feeling sappy.”_ Tyler whines.

Josh laughs softly and he feels happy. “If you don’t have any reasons to stay home, I could come pick you up…?”

“ _I mean… I’m down, bro.”_

“Hell yeah.”

*

Josh gets his presents when he wakes up the next morning.

The first comes in the form of Tyler kissing him awake, and asking him if he can go down on him.

Josh has to get up and brush his teeth first, but after that, he finds himself on his back, on his bed, with Tyler taking him apart with his mouth. Josh ends up sucking him off in the shower half an hour later as well.

The other present—present number two—is something soft. It’s a thin package, and it’s bendy and wrapped in corny wrapping paper, but Josh tears it open after they eat breakfast. He uses Tyler’s pocket knife to cut the rest of the packaging open, and he freezes up when he pulls it out of the bag.

A postcard falls out with it, one with a handful of trans men on it in chest binders, and, _oh._

The first thing he thinks to say is, “How did you get my chest measurements?”

“Brendon knew, for some reason,” Tyler mumbles. “Um. Is that—that’s not too much…? I don’t—I don’t wanna push any boundaries or anything but you mentioned wanting one, and I…” Tyler sighs and picks at one of his thumbnails. “I just thought it would be nice.”

After that, Josh is quick to stand up, and to peel his shirt off. Usually he wouldn’t undress in front of anyone other than himself, but Tyler’s seen about every single inch of his body, so he doesn’t care. Tyler doesn’t seem to care too much either. “Stand up and help me,” He says when he ends up with the chest binder stuck around his shoulders.

Tyler helps him, and tugs it down, and he has the courtesy to face away from Josh as Josh is adjusting the binder and his breasts.

Josh picks his shirt up off the floor, puts it on, and asks, “Before I go look—what do you think?”

“It was definitely the best forty dollars I’ve ever spent.”

*

Tyler has Jordan take a picture of him and Josh for Tyler’s instagram. In the picture, Josh is on Tyler’s lap, and Tyler has his arms wrapped around him, kissing his cheek, and the caption reads, _“my cute boyfriend turned twenty today.”_

He tags Josh in it, not thinking anything of it, at least not until he and Josh are in his bed, at Tyler’s house, in the basement, since Josh was bored of his own apartment.

Josh is facing away from him, curled up and watching cat videos on his phone, and Tyler’s looking at Twitter when he gets a notification from Instagram, telling him someone wants to send him a message.

He taps on the notification, and as he reads the message, he’s more or less just shocked.

*

_**maneatinglesbian:** _ _hey, you seem like a nice guy. your boyfriend, or whatever you want to call her, isn_ _’t who you think she is. you should be careful._

_**tylerrjoseph:** _ _He_ _’s my boyfriend, I don’t appreciate you misgendering him, and I’ve known him long enough to trust him, so mind your own business, please and thank you._

_**maneatinglesbian:** _ _are you sure? because she fucked around on me for almost a year before we broke up. just thought i_ _’d let you know before it happens to you._

*

It’s that last message that makes Tyler reach over and nudge Josh. “I got a weird message on Instagram.”

Josh glances behind himself. “Block them.”

“Um. I think you should look at it.”

“Who’s it from?”

“Someone named ‘man eating lesbian,’” he mumbles.

Josh turns his own phone screen off, and rolls over, yanking Tyler’s phone out of his hand. Tyler doesn’t stop him.

Josh types a message of his own before blocking the account.

*

_**tylerrjoseph:** _ _It_ _’s Josh. I told you to stop contacting me and pestering my friends and family. That includes boyfriends and girlfriends. Leave me alone or I’m going to file another police report._

*

Tyler reads the message himself a few times. “Another police report?”

“She beat the shit out of me when we broke up and threatened to kill me. What else was I supposed to do?”

“She _what?_ _”_ Tyler looks… shocked, to say the least.

“I can show you pictures. She broke my nose,” he starts, gesturing to his nose, which is a tiny bit crooked, Tyler realizes, now that he looks at it; “busted my lip and cracked one of my teeth, gave me a concussion, and bruised a few of my ribs. I got her on video threatening to kill me and herself if I left her. So. Y’know.”

“Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t—I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Josh sighs.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but was she for real about you cheating on her…? I mean I don’t—I don’t care, and I do trust you… but… I dunno.”

“She misconstrued it.” He looks away from Tyler. “We took a few ‘breaks’ the last year we were together, and she fucked other people and I was fine with it, but when I fucked other people, she called it cheating. So. Take that however you want to.”

“That’s… Not cheating, not in my eyes. If you guys were taking a break, anything you do during those breaks… I don’t… That wouldn’t be cheating, right?”

“You wouldn’t think so, but she’s batshit.” Josh presses his palms against his eyes. “I’m sorry that she messaged you. She—she probably saw the picture in my tagged photos.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Tyler sits up, and asks before he tugs Josh into himself, hugging him. “We handled it. I blocked her, and, uh, honestly—I’m probably going to make my account private for awhile. If I have to do that to keep you safe, then it’s cool.”

*

_Josh hasn’t ever been punched, not really. Jordan’s socked him in the arm a few times growing up, and he’s gotten into hair pulling fights with Ashley and Abigail a few times as a kid, but he’s never been punched in the face._

_He knows as soon as her fist hits his nose, that it’s broken. There’s a pop and sharp pain and it just fucking hurts. He shouts and asks her what the fuck she’s doing, and she punches him again. This one gets him in the mouth and he gags when he tastes blood in his mouth._

_It’s dramatic and he loses his balance and she kicks him in the ribs a few times. She’s screaming, telling him he can’t leave her, that he’s not going to be able to cope without her and Josh stays still, thinking that if he doesn’t move she’ll stop, and he’ll be able to slip out, or something._

_When he does try slipping out, phone on and recording video, she pulls the crying routine—she cries and grabs him by the arm and begs him to forgive her, begs him not to leave or call the cops, and it’s just convenient, more than anything, that a police officer knocks on the door to their shitty apartment just as Josh is getting ready to call 911._

*

A few weeks after his birthday, Josh sets up a consultation with a therapist who specializes in giving trans people the go-ahead to start hormone therapy. Tyler gets the afternoon off work, and goes with Josh to the appointment. He sits in the waiting room while Josh is talking to the therapist, and when Josh walks back out, he looks to him to ask, “What’s the verdict?”

“It’s probably going to take at least a few sessions for them to… _confirm_ that I do, in fact, have gender dysphoria, but…” He’s crying. He’s happy.

Tyler hugs him, and hands him fifty dollars to help pay for the appointment.

*

They go back to Josh’s apartment, and spend the afternoon fucking to celebrate. (A small victory is still a victory.) It’s the slow kind of fucking, the kind that makes Josh feel like he’s in love.

*

_“Another thing,” she starts, “if you were trans, you couldn’t have kids. I know you want kids, babe.”_

_Josh doesn’t want to argue with her, but he points out, “I could just wait until after I’ve had a kid or two to transition. Trans men can still get pregnant.”_

_“What man would want to get you pregnant?” She laughs, like its a joke, like it would never happen._

_Josh hums a little bit, and shrugs. “I dunno. It was just a thought. I’m sorry.”_

_“Anyways… Isn’t the fact that you want to have kids a sign that you’re not trans?” She tucks a lock of Josh’s hair behind his ear, and Josh feels a red flag popping up, but he ignores it. She’s probably right._

*

Tyler moves in a few weeks before he starts his third semester of undergrad.

Josh lives closer to campus and the Starbucks he works at than he does, and Tyler also mentions that he needs a shove in the right direction to finally move out of his dad’s house. Josh is more than happy to invite him to live with him, to give him that metaphorical shove.

The first night that Tyler’s officially there, they sleep together, because that’s what they do. Afterward, while they’re cuddling, Josh says, “I’ve missed living with someone. I moved in with my ex when I was sixteen, and moved out a few months after I turned nineteen. Even with as awful as she was I still—I still miss having someone to come home to. Also, now I don’t have to drive to your house and drag you here when I want dick in the middle of the night.”

Tyler laughs. “I enjoyed the late night fucks, but, like… At least now you don’t have to get dressed to do it.”

“Exactly, bro. It’s convenient as fuck. I’m also excited to not have to foot all my bills on my own anymore.”

“One day I’ll get into grad school, and then I’ll get a nice job, and I will spoil the shit out of you.”

“I can’t wait.”

*

“How’s life going now that he’s moved in?”

Josh looks up from his phone. Brendon’s hanging up fairy lights around his bedroom, since it’s November, meaning it’s basically Christmas in his eyes. Josh shrugs. “It’s fine. I’ve been getting good dick, and I like living with someone, so… It’s chill, I guess.”

“Dick is always good. Speaking of dick… I haven’t gotten dick in a few months. Dallon’s, like, having this phase where they want to bottom _constantly._ Which is fine, because whatever—it helps with both of our dysphoria, but, _man._ It’s gross, but do you know how much I love the feeling of someone just busting a big, _fat_ nut inside me?”

Josh snorts, and starts laughing. “I can imagine. Thankfully, Tyler is almost strictly a top. I don’t think he’s slept with a ton of people, but I like bottoming and he likes topping, so it works. I get my twice weekly dose of dick, and I’m cool with it.”

“How’s the sex going anyways? You mentioned you’ve had a few anxiety attacks.” Brendon grunts as he stretches up to get the string of fairy lights over a nail in the wall.

“Eh.” Josh turns his phone screen off. “I usually only get panicky if it’s like… specific circumstances, or if he does something that reminds me of her, I guess. He’s also good about making sure I’m alright, and cutting things off if I’m getting panicky. I still, um, have trouble speaking up if I’m not doing great, but we’re working on it.”

Brendon hums quietly, and a few minutes later Josh asks another question.

“Do you think we’re moving too fast?”

“No, because it’s not my relationship, meaning that as long as you aren’t being hurt, it’s none of my business. He makes you happy and if it feels right to move fast, then I support you, dude.”

“He really does make me happy. I dunno. I feel like I need to wallow in self pity for a few more years before I deserve to have another chance at a good relationship, but, like, my dream guy just landed in my lap pretty much, so what the hell else am I supposed to do?”

“Fuck that, dude. I mean, for me it was necessary to take a few years off from relationships after the bad one I was in, and after getting roofied at a party, but if I had the choice of not doing that and being fine, I would’ve done it, bro. I hate being sad. It fucking sucks. If you’re able to be in a healthy and loving relationship, then by all means— _go for it._ _”_

*

“How is Thanksgiving going to go?” Tyler asks while he’s taking a break from his homework.

Josh is on his laptop nearby, eyeballing the stock for a handful of companies he’s made small investments in. (Most of his income comes from selling stocks. He’s not half bad at it.) “Dunno.”

“My dad said that if you wanted, you’re more than allowed to come over and spend it with us.”

“Wouldn’t that be kind of intrusive?” Josh doesn’t look up from his laptop, but he does frown a tiny bit.

“Not at all, babe. You’re my boyfriend. My dad—he’s, like… He’s the kind of parent that if I’m dating someone, then they’re part of the family. My siblings love you too, and they’d totally love to have you.”

*

“I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with anyone other than my ex in so long, dude.” Josh flops onto his bed, face first. “I don’t mean to be a mushy asshole, but I loved that. It sure as fuck beats ordering a pizza.”

“My dad’s pretty great at cooking.” Tyler drops onto the bed next to Josh, albeit more gently than he had. “I’m glad you came.”

“I’m glad I went.” Josh stretches out on the bed, and Tyler hugs him from behind. Josh scoots back towards him a little bit, because he’s warm. “My ex was super cut off from her own family, even talked my dumbass into moving out when I was sixteen, so, needless to say, this was a good change of pace.”

“Maybe next year we can spend it with your family, man.”

“You think we’re gonna be together next year?”

“Don’t you?”

“Well, yeah. I just—I wasn’t expecting you to, um, feel the same way, I guess. I’ve got a lot of baggage, bro. Do you know how many _friends_ I’ve lost because of it?”

“I’m like a cat. Stubborn and hard to get rid of.”

“Luckily, cats are my favorite animal.” Josh rolls over, so he can kiss Tyler on the nose.

*

Josh has an appointment to get blood drawn to make sure he doesn’t have any underlying health issues that would prevent him from starting testosterone. It’s a quick appointment—he goes in, gets his vitals taken, squeezes Tyler’s hand and tries not to faint as they’re drawing blood from his arm, and then Tyler takes him out for lunch before bringing him home.

When Tyler gets home from work that evening, he comes bearing a few Starbucks cups of hot chocolate for himself and Josh, and Chinese takeout. While they’re eating on the couch in the living room, he asks, “When do you find out if you can start testosterone?”

“Um, Brendon said it usually takes them a few days to a week to do anything, but that at my next appointment I should be able to get my first shot, given I don’t have any health problems. So. Y’know.” Josh shrugs. He’s shaking a little bit. He’s excited. “I didn’t think I’d actually get to start testosterone. It’s been this—this intangible idea in my mind for such a long time now, but it’s finally within reach. Added, people will, hopefully, quit asking you if you’re straight now.”

Tyler snorts. “They can assume whatever the fuck they want. As far as I’m concerned, you’re my boyfriend, and I am just as pan now as I was when we met.”

Around a cheek full of orange chicken, Josh says, “You’re more like the handle of a pan. You’re a scrawny boy.”

Tyler scoffs. “Not everyone can be muscular and strong, you asshole.” He flicks a pea from his rice at Josh, who giggles.

*

Tyler can’t take work off the day Josh is called in for an appointment to discuss the results of the blood test, so he abuses his power as one of the only other adults in his family that’s allowed to check his siblings out of school, and checks Jordan out of school early to go with him.

While they’re in the car, Josh tapping his fingers on the wheel, waiting for a light to turn, Jordan says, “If you’re starting testosterone today, you really need to tell Mom and Dad about it.”

“I don’t know if I am for sure, but probably,” he mumbles. “If I do, I’ll tell them tonight. If I don’t… then whatever. I’ll come out when I start.”

Jordan reaches over and gets Josh in the thigh with his knuckles. “You can’t keep putting it off, you dumbass. You said you were going to tell them when you left your crazy bitch of an ex girlfriend, but then you didn’t. You said you’d tell them when you cut your hair, but guess what—you didn’t. You _said_ you’d tell them if anything _serious_ happened with Tyler, and he lives with you and they still think you’re a fucking _dyke!_ _”_

Josh reaches over and punches his arm. (Not hard, but enough for Jordan to rub his arm.) “Watch your mouth. What if they hate me and disown me? I still depend on them financially occasionally.”

“We both know they would never, and also, your boyfriend splits expenses with you, so I think you’d pull through. At this point, you’re going to grow a beard and blame it on your PCOS.”

Josh has to laugh at that one, because admittedly, it sounds like something he’d do. “I’ll get around to it eventually.”

*

Josh is pretty much bouncing on his feet as he’s being led into an exam room. A nurse takes his vitals and he and Jordan sit there in silence until his doctor walks in. As soon as the door is shut behind the doctor, Josh asks, “Am I starting testosterone?”

Jordan even puts his phone down as Josh waits for an answer.

Josh’s heart pretty much drops into his ass when his doctor’s reaction doesn’t come in the form of a smile or a nod or _something_ confirming that, yes, Josh is going to get to start testosterone. Instead, he waits until he’s sat down in his stupid swivel chair, and he flips through a packet of papers attached to a clipboard. He reads something on it, before breaking the news to Josh. “Unfortunately, I’m afraid not.”

Jordan’s the one who says, “What the fuck— _why not?_ _”_

Josh gives him a _look_ before asking it himself. “In a less rude way—why not? Do I have cancer, or something?”

“No, no, it’s not cancer. I don’t know how else to say this, but… You’re pregnant. Starting testosterone right now would put you at a _very_ high risk of having a miscarriage—”

“— _pregnant?_ I have PCOS.” Josh laughs. It’s a nervous and shocked laugh. “I can’t be _pregnant._ I haven’t even had a period since fucking April.”

“Have you had unprotected sex?”

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t—I didn’t think…?”

“You must have ovulated at some point.” He sounds sympathetic. “I’d recommend getting a sonogram done as soon as possible, to see how far along you are.”

*

Josh has his head hanging in the toilet, since he’s spent the better part of the past two hours throwing up. He maintained his cool long enough to drive back to his apartment before descending into the worst meltdown he’s ever had.

Jordan’s handling it about as well as any fourteen year old can handle their twenty year old transgender brother finding out he’s two and a half months pregnant. He sits in the bathroom with him and keeps him company, which Josh appreciates a fuck of a lot more than he lets on. Once Josh is leaning against the wall across from his toilet, he barely has a few moments to breathe before his phone is ringing.

He doesn’t bother looking at it, instead asking, “Who is it?”

“It’s our mom.”

“Probably calling me to ask me where you’re at. Answer it.”

He answers it with a polite, “Hey, Ma.” There’s pause, and Josh can hear her saying something, but he can’t pick the words out. “Um, I’m at hhh… her apartment. Ssshe, uh, had an important doctor’s appointment, so I went with, for moral support. I’m not dying in a ditch or anything, at least.”

Josh opens his eyes when Jordan nudges him and mumbles, “She wants to talk to you.”

Josh puts on his best adult voice when he speaks. “Hi, Mom.”

“ _What doctor’s appointment was important enough for you to pull Jordan out of school early?”_ She sounds pissed.

“Um. What would you consider important enough?” He scratches his ear a little bit.

“ _Why? What happened?”_ Still pissed, but slightly worried.

“Um.” Josh drawls the ‘um’ out. “I had to have some blood work done, for, uh, reasons, and, um… Apparently I’m pregnant. So. I dunno. Is that—would that be important enough to need moral support from my little brother?”

“ _Aren’t you gay?”_ She sounds skeptical.

Technically, yes, but Josh doesn’t feel like coming out to her, or crying more than he has. “I’ve had a boyfriend for, like, six months. So. No. I don’t—I don’t think so. I don’t like girls.”

“ _You’re lying to me, aren’t you? Jordan wanted you to pick him up, because he has that math class he doesn’t like—”_

“I’m eleven-ish weeks along, and if you want, you can come over and meet my boyfriend. Um. Maybe not tonight, but. I don’t—I don’t know why I’d lie to you about this…?” Josh feels like he’s entered third person mode in a video game, like he’s pressed the right analog stick of life.

Josh looks up from the spot on the rug he’s staring at when Jordan reaches forward to squeeze his shin. Josh squeezes his brother’s hand with his own free hand.

“ _Are you still smoking?”_

“The last cigarette I had was a little before my birthday,” he mumbles. “They’re expensive and money’s been a little tight lately. I’m, uh, gonna let you go. I’ll—I’ll bring Jordan home, but I need to deal with this.”

Josh moves his phone away from his ear, and shakes it a little bit until the screen turns on, and he can end the call.

*

Tyler gets home from work a few hours after Josh takes Jordan home.

Josh takes a shower, a long, hot one, and when he’s done, he walks out into the living room, trying not to grip the stupid sonogram pictures too hard. As soon as Tyler sees him, he asks, “Did you—did you get to start?”

Josh shakes his head and he feels like crying, but the tears don’t come, so he just throws the pictures down on the table and stays silent.

Tyler leans forward, and frowns, mostly out of confusion, as he looks at the pictures. He looks adorable but Josh is in too shitty of a mood to enjoy it. “This isn’t—it’s not cancer, is it?” Tyler sounds like he knows what _it_ is, but he’s being thorough.

“I’d honestly prefer cancer, because it’d be an excuse to get a hysterectomy, but, no, it’s not.”

“What sort of response is going to upset you the most?” His voice is quiet and cracks once or twice. Josh is pretty sure his eyelashes are wet with tears.

“Leaving me or suggesting I get an abortion are the two that would upset me the most. Um. I’d prefer if you’d—if you’d come lay down with me in the bedroom for awhile, because I feel like shit and I kind of want to die, because this is, like, worst case scenario kind of shit for me.”

*

Tyler doesn’t touch his stomach.

He holds him, and keeps his arm wrapped around Josh’s waist.

Josh spends most of the evening crying, until he falls asleep.

He wakes up fourteen hours later to a note from Tyler telling him that he had to go to class, and that he has work, but that there’s twenty dollars on the counter in the kitchen if he wants to buy himself something nice for breakfast. (Or for brunch or lunch, depending on when he were to wake up.)

*

Josh buys a bottle of water and a prepackaged deli sandwich from a Walmart and drives to Brendon’s house.

He’s there enough that he feels comfortable walking in, and heading straight into the basement. (Though, he does stop in the kitchen long enough to put mayonnaise and mustard on his sandwich.)

Josh is on the second half of his sandwich and halfway through a muted episode of _Orange Is The New Black_ when he hears Brendon’s bedroom door opening. His hair is sticking up a little funny and he looks exhausted and the first thing out of his mouth is, “You better be here to tell me that you started testosterone yesterday.”

“Nope.”

He grunts. “I’m pissing and brushing my teeth, then we can talk.”

Josh gives him a thumbs up, and unmutes the TV.

He’s just finished swallowing the last few bites of his sandwich when Brendon’s plopping down onto the couch, and wrapping himself up in the heated blanket. He tells Josh to turn it on for him, and Josh listens. “Why didn’t you start T?”

“Because, I’m apparently two and a half months pregnant.”

“I’m sorry— _what?_ _”_

“They called me in, so I picked Jordan up from school early since Tyler couldn’t get any time off work, and my doctor had this weird look on his face when he told me that I couldn’t start testosterone because according to my blood test results, I’m pregnant. So, y’know, I go get a sonogram done, and lo-and-fucking-behold…” Josh has the pictures with him, and tugs them out of his sweatshirt pocket. (It’s a big pocket, to be fair.)

Brendon holds an arm out as Josh is handing them over. “You’re _shitting_ me. What the fuck?”

“I cried for a good eight hours yesterday, then slept for fourteen hours.”

“I mean, that’s a fat ass fuckin’ mood, but, holy _shit._ What are you going to do? Have you told your parents?”

“I told my mom, so, my dad probably knows, and I’m sure Jordan told my sisters. We haven’t said anything to Tyler’s dad, since it’s literally been a day. What the _fuck_ am I going to do?”

“Are you—are you _keeping_ it?”

Josh shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t made any decisions.”

*

“We need to figure out what to do. I’m positive you don’t want to talk about it, but this isn’t something we can ignore.” Tyler sets a Starbucks cup down in front of Josh, who is sitting at the island in the kitchen, and informs him that it’s hot chocolate.

“What do you want to do?”

“It’s your body, so it’s your choice. Whatever you decide to do, I’ll respect it and support it. That’s where I stand.”

“In an ideal world where you had a say—what would you do?”

“I’d go back in time and invest in some condoms. If—If I also had a job where I consistently got forty hour weeks and could feasibly support a partner and a child and foot all the bills on my own, that’d also be ideal and I’d be happy, but it’s not the fifties anymore and that’s not—that’s not realistic for me.”

“You’re not—you’re not mad at me, are you?”

Tyler shakes his head. “Bro, fuck no. The only thing keeping me from shitting my pants in glee is the fact that _you_ _’re_ not happy about it. Otherwise, I’m kind of super fucking amped. Again, though—whatever you want to do, I’ll stand by you, alright? Like, wanna get an abortion? Go for it. Hell, I’ll even help pay for it my damn self.”

Josh shakes his head. “I’m pro-choice and all, but it’s not—that’s not something I want. Like, other people should have the choice to get an abortion if they need it or want it or whatever, but I should also have the choice to not do it, you feel?” Josh picks at the plastic lid on the cup. “Also, it has fingernails, man.”

“Sick. So. Is that—are we…? Y’know. Are you keeping it?”

“I’m not getting rid of it, so… I guess.”

*

Josh comes out to his parents, explaining that he only found out about being pregnant because he was _supposed_ to start testosterone.

They aren’t entirely surprised, and Josh figures out that it’s because Ashley told them.

They like Tyler, too. He apologizes profusely about their first meeting being under the circumstances of him knocking their firstborn child up, and they find it charming, which Josh is grateful for.

*

Coming to terms with the situation takes Josh about two weeks.

He spends three days being shocked about it, not knowing how to process it.

He spends a day acting like it’s not happening, and that he’s not pregnant.

Two days being frustrated and angry and crying into his pillow while Tyler rubs his back and tells him that he loves him.

Three days looking up things that can cause a miscarriage, or if Plan B works if someone is just past the third trimester.

Two more days just being upset and wallowing in self pity.

A day dedicated contemplating the reality of the situation.

And another day to just _accept_ that this is happening to him, and to accept that he has to deal with it like an adult.

*

Josh doesn’t post on Instagram very often, mostly because he has family that follows him there, and his ex girlfriend probably has a few accounts following him, but he takes a few pictures and posts a photoset, giving a life update to anyone willing to read the caption. (Picture one is a picture of the sonogram pictures. Picture two is Josh crouching down, throwing up peace signs near his stomach.)

The caption reads, _“Life Update: Was supposed to start testosterone, but I ovulated at some point and I guess my dick loving self is having a kid. This used to be a fear of mine, but, honestly, I’m going to be the best fucking dad any of you have ever seen, so suck it. I don’t need any negative or transphobic energy in my life. (Also, @tylerrjoseph, I love you, and am absolutely going to be calling you ‘daddy’ every chance I get.)”_

*

Tyler posts a photoset of his own. The first picture is a picture of Josh lying on the floor in their kitchen, looking like he’s having some sort of internal, existential crisis. Tyler thinks he looks cute in the picutre. The second is a picture of him down on one knee, doing peace signs of his own at Josh’s stomach.

The caption his his post reads, _“Life Update: My sheer virility persevered, and I am going to be a father about ten years sooner than I was planning, but it’s okay because I love my boyfriend and our unborn child. On one hand, don’t ever under estimate the importance of a condom, but on the other hand, HELLO? I’M GONNA HAVE AN ENTIRE HUMAN? AH??? Also @joshuadun I will absolutely call you daddy as well. Daddy squared. :D”_

**Author's Note:**

> my tumble is @ creion if u wanna yell at me or see what im up to


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